The choices you make are determined by your worldview, but there is no doubt that you do not need to justify your decisions. Here is a list of things that are your personal business.

Religious and political beliefs

In recent years, the political situation in the world has become increasingly aggravated. People hold diametrically opposed views and become disillusioned with religion. Whether you are a Buddhist, a Muslim, a Christian or an atheist is your personal choice. You can speak openly about your beliefs or remain modestly silent about your position in life. You can cast your vote in elections for the candidate you trust most - your choice does not require justification.

Romantic relationship

Don't let other people interfere with your romantic relationships (even if we are talking about close relatives). Only you can feel what kind of person will bring you happiness. You don't have to wait for your friends' approval if you're looking for online dating. You do not need to make excuses to your parents, who have long found a “profitable match” for you. Conversely, you don't have to date someone just because it's the norm or what others expect from you.

Loneliness

Perhaps the most common criticism and complaint is the lack of a romantic partner. Any of your older women acquaintances, when they meet, will not fail to ask if you are going to get married, and will complain that it is time to think about offspring. People say that a woman's "age" is short-lived, and they begin to feel sorry for you if they find out that you are still single. There is a massive attack on you, and family values ​​are promoted as the only thing to strive for. People around you feel sorry for you, but in reality you need to feel sorry for them. They don't know that you love the feeling of freedom, and this makes you a truly happy person.

No apology

If a person does not feel such a need, he does not need to apologize for anything. Insincerity and stock phrases are akin to mockery of one’s own soul. Every apology like this misleads the person who wants to trust you.

Disagreement

Each of us has an acquaintance or friend who thinks that he is always right. This person considers his opinion to be the ultimate truth and is accustomed to poking his long nose into other people's affairs. He positions himself as an expert on any issue and without a twinge of conscience points out your flaws. You can only be glad that this person is so confident and does not lack self-esteem, but you have every right to express your disagreement with him. Don't shy away from controversy just because it might inconvenience someone else. Your opinion should also be heard.

Avoiding Gossip

Gossipers are not very welcome in groups, but they still try to rule the roost. Some people strive to obsessively plant their own point of view in the minds of others, denigrate their acquaintances, invent non-existent facts and manipulate the consciousness of the masses. In addition, they are trying to win over allies and ask you to contribute to the spread of rumors. If you join the gossip camp, it can affect your reputation. But refusing to spread rumors will play into your hands.

Ending friendships

Friendships always start out well, but over time they can become a burden. If you have a friend who is used to living large and uses you as the person who solves all his problems, you should end this relationship. True friendship is like a two-way street. You don't have to be someone's eternal tug, nanny, or lifeline. You have your own needs that no one else can satisfy but you. Don't let other people manipulate you and don't feel guilty about ending a friendship.

Appearance

It doesn't matter what color your hair is, whether you're a piercing enthusiast or a tattoo parlor regular. Your appearance is not a subject of discussion with others, as it expresses your inner world. This applies to clothing style, the presence or absence of makeup, body composition and other things. If you are comfortable in your body, you don't have to make excuses for it to other people.

Location

Some people cannot imagine their life outside the bustle of the city, while others, on the contrary, like a measured rural existence. Don't pay attention to stereotypes and live where your heart tells you. Why should anyone care why you live with your parents? No one should judge you without understanding the circumstances of your personal life.

Career

If you go to work to earn more money, there is nothing wrong with that either. Each of us is free to choose the area of ​​our activity without regard to public opinion. You made this choice yourself, weighed the pros and cons. After all, no one ties you to a certain place for the rest of your life. But if you work at your dream job, you can be called lucky. Even if you don't make a lot of money, your activities bring you satisfaction. Whatever the reason that is driving your career growth, it does not require accountability to others.

Financial position

Regardless of whether you live on one salary, buy things on credit or deny yourself a vacation, turn a deaf ear to your friends' jokes about your financial well-being.

Desire for privacy

There is a big difference between loneliness and a sudden desire to be alone. Sometimes each of us feels that it is time to put our thoughts in order. You are reading a book, watching your favorite TV series, or just enjoying the silence with a cup of tea in your hand.

Education methods

No family uses the same methods of raising children. This is due to the fact that we all belong to different strata of society, have different cultures, material wealth, worldviews and temperaments. Each of us has our own vision when it comes to interacting with children. There is no universal advice that could suit all parents without exception. This is why other parents cannot judge your parenting methods.

Sex life

It is impossible to understand why people want to know what is going on in the bedroom of their neighbors, friends or relatives. The only people who are allowed to discuss your sex life are psychotherapists and sexologists. Ignore the curious, ignore their comments and “valuable” advice.

Life goals

A goal is what inspires you and makes you achieve your dreams. If someone has problems with ambition or self-esteem, that's their business. Don't let envious people stand in your way.

Positive attitude

People who always smile and look for the positive in everything will definitely meet envious people. And let someone equate your positive attitude with abnormal behavior. You know that your views allow you to walk through life with your head held high.

Recently, on the Internet, I discovered an article that was addressed to the reader, inviting him to live with the following thought: “Nobody owes you anything,” “nobody owes anyone anything.” Moreover, these ideas were presented as everyday practice. And indeed, through the media, films, magazines, we hear similar ideas that supposedly help a person and make his life comfortable. If you have no expectations, then there will be no disappointments. Is this really so? Can this even happen in reality?

Below, in this article, I want to reflect on this topic, show a different, alternative view of these ideas. I start from a simple motive: I want people to learn to think for themselves, despite the colorfulness and attractiveness of those liberal ideas that flood our lives. And if what I say below pushes the reader to reflection and action, then the task of this article will be solved.

When I hear the words “no one owes anyone anything,” I get the feeling that this is being said by a person who has no social responsibility. In reality, man lives in society. And within the framework of social life, he has obligations to other people.

“No one owes anyone anything” and “one should not have expectations from other people” - this idea is inherently false and harmful, only for the simple reason that in this idea there is no dialogue, no interaction between people, no agreements, no relationships. This idea destroys collective identity. Since no one owes anyone anything, it turns out that a person can do without the other. The idea reflected in the title of the article can easily be called the motto of the society of egoists. But in reality, we are seeing something completely different. Without someone like himself, a person ceases to be a person, because only in dialogue with another does a person preserve himself, his humanity. Even Robinson needed Friday to remain human.

Living in society, it is impossible not to have expectations from other people, since our expectations are one of the foundations of dialogue and agreements. People's social lives are agreements. We always agree with someone about something. And it doesn’t matter whether these agreements are formal (elevated into laws, rules) or informal. Social norms and agreements are precisely manifestations of human culture. Animals have no social norms. They only have instincts. Reader who shares the idea in the title, Do you want to live by instinct alone?

People who say they have no expectations are deeply mistaken and deceiving themselves and others. There are many examples of this: when a person comes to a doctor, he expects that he will be helped, that the doctor will treat him. When we send our child to school, we expect the teacher to teach. From loved ones we expect, at a minimum, acceptance, dialogue, feelings. Even at the end of the month, we expect to receive our salary at work. And these are also expectations. A person who cannot give anything to society is useless to it. And society gets rid of him.

If you follow the idea that no one owes anyone anything, then there will be no agreements between people. According to this idea, people should react calmly or at least indifferently to violations of existing agreements and boundaries. Then where do people have grievances against each other? Resentment is a disguised demand. For as long as humanity has existed, this social emotion has always existed, which means that people have always had expectations from each other. If this idea were viable, people would have removed grievances from their lives long ago.

How do you like this situation? A young woman who has a child will say: “But I owe nothing to anyone and no one owes me anything. And therefore I will not sacrifice my time or career for the sake of the child.” Many of the women will say that this is unacceptable. Or imagine a situation where during the Second World War people would have said: “We don’t owe anyone anything, so put the bayonet in the ground.” The consequences of such statements are not difficult to imagine. Such a society is not viable.

Dialectics

Our life is full of contradictions, we ourselves are constantly faced with them. What can I say - man as an entity is himself contradictory. And not because there is something wrong with him, but because life works that way. Take any social phenomenon, process, entity and you will find that there are always contradictions in it. This has been proven mathematically. For the curious, I recommend that you familiarize yourself with Gödel’s incompleteness theorem.

We are both part masculine and part feminine. We are both strong and weak. We can say to ourselves that we have time and we don’t have it. And there are a lot of such examples. Contradiction at the level of language and meaning are opposite poles. Any problem in a person’s life is a clash of contradictions. People, when faced with contradictions in life, want to take one of the poles and discard it. For example: I want to be strong and do not admit my weakness. I always want to do the right thing - and I don’t admit mistakes. But since the dialectic of life is that there are both poles, it will not be possible to completely discard it. Contradictions can only be reconciled (from the word “reconciliation”) by finding a synthesis. If you want, a balance of one and the other pole.

The idea “no one owes anyone anything” is just one of the poles. The second, opposite pole is the idea “everyone owes something to someone” or very often people say to themselves “everyone owes me something.” When a person thinks that everyone owes him, we talk about the personal irresponsibility of such a person. And when no one owes anyone anything, this is social irresponsibility. It turns out that the people who invite us to live in this idea invite us to move from one extreme to the other. Living as a socially irresponsible individual. A good choice. What’s worse is that such proposals can often be heard from some fellow psychologists who convey this not only to themselves, but also to their clients, offering ideas about the egoistic existence of individuals. I specifically emphasize individuals, not personalities, since personality is formed only in dialogue. As the saying goes, “they don’t know what they are doing.”

Why is this idea attractive?

In part, I answered this question above. Some of my colleagues propose this idea and “stand by it” as a universal recommendation for those who have problems with personal responsibility, disguising it as “personal development”, “responsibility for one’s own life”, etc. But in addition to personal responsibility, there is also social responsibility. And indeed, when a client comes with the idea that “everyone owes me,” what is obvious is the lack of responsibility for what is happening in his life. It is located like a pendulum at one of the poles. And the psychologist offers him the other pole. Essentially the same, but on the other side. This is a dialectical feature. And what then is “personal development” here? Change from sewing to soap. Perhaps for a person who is totally irresponsible in relation to his own life and has never been to the opposite pole, the transition to the other pole can, perhaps with a stretch, be called “personal development.” I doubt.

On the other hand, for ordinary people this idea is also attractive because it can act as a very powerful shield so as not to enter into a certain experience, so as not to bind oneself to debt or obligations when it is not particularly beneficial. In general, the same picture of irresponsible behavior.

Take and give. Interchange.

Living in society, a person is in dialogue and in expectations regarding other people. And in our social relations, we are very often in the process of mutual exchange. Dialogue without this is impossible. In this regard, I remembered the works of the famous German psychologist and philosopher B. Hellinger, who described the process of mutual exchange “take and give.” Let's think about this from the perspective of reciprocity and B. Hellinger's ideas.

When I am presented with the idea that “no one owes me anything,” there is common sense in it that encourages me not to build unnecessary expectations and demands on other people and to take responsibility for my life. Great idea. I completely share it. But, as I already said, there is another pole. Hellinger writes that when we give something to another person, we must give him the opportunity to give something in return. Having taken something from another, we become indebted to him (we go to the “take” pole), and to restore balance we need to go to the “give” pole so that feelings of guilt do not arise. People who tell us “you don’t owe me anything” disrupt this process, do not allow a person to “give back”, to restore this balance. Hellenger writes that those who only give and do not take (forbid themselves to take), in a sense, rise above people, giving rise to a feeling of guilt in those who gave. It is not difficult to guess that in the lines described above, this is nothing more than an imbalance and a departure to one pole, then to the other. But life is dialectical!

Conclusion

“And what is proposed?” - the reader will say. The author talked a lot, but offered nothing? The way out of the contradictions discussed is in their synthesis. The idea is that we should and shouldn’t at the same time, that someone owes us something and doesn’t owe us something at the same time. We should and we shouldn't. Simultaneously, in the unity of this “should” and “should not”. The question is in context, place, time, situation, Measure - as the unity of the categories of quantity and quality in its integrity. A person cannot separate himself from society, either physically, psychologically, or culturally, otherwise he will cease to be a person. Even a reclusive monk is in dialogue with God! Without people, but in dialogue, accordingly, psychologically he is already in society. How can culture, as an essence, be taken away from a person? Only if you turn him into an animal (similar successful experiments were carried out by the Nazis), but even in this case, a piece of social, and, therefore, cultural interaction between people remained.

And how can these contradictions be reconciled? The key to this lies in the cultural experience of man and humanity, in fairy tales, fiction, stories, myths, proverbs. This is a source, a whole storehouse of “solutions” for the synthesis of seemingly irreconcilable things.

I want the reader to think, to think independently, holistically, to be able to separate or “reflect” on the ideas that fill our modern life. And since not all ideas are equally useful, I was able to figure out what is “good” and what is “bad.” This is my expectation from the reader. As the philosopher Merab Mamardashvili said, “The devil plays with us if we do not think accurately.” But I want us to be played to a greater extent not by the Devil, but by God. And you?

In 1966, investment analyst Harry Brown wrote a letter to his nine-year-old daughter for Christmas that is still quoted today. He explained to the girl that nothing in this world - not even love - should be taken for granted.

"⠀Hello, honey.

It's Christmas time and I have the usual problem of what gift to choose for you. I know what makes you happy - books, games, dresses. But I am very selfish. I want to give you something that will stay with you for more than a few days or even years. I want to give you something that will remind you of me every Christmas. And, you know, I think I chose a gift. I will give you one simple truth that I had to learn for many years. If you understand it now, you will enrich your life in hundreds of different ways and it will protect you from a lot of problems in the future.
⠀
So: no one owes you anything.
⠀
This means that no one lives for you, my child. Because no one is you. Every person lives for himself. The only thing he can feel is his own happiness. If you understand that no one should organize your happiness, you will be freed from expecting the impossible.
⠀
This means that no one is obliged to love you. If someone loves you, it means there is something special about you that makes them happy. Find out what it is, try to make it stronger, and then you will be loved even more.
⠀
When people do something for you, it's only because they want to do it themselves. Because there is something about you that is important to them - something that makes them want to like you. But not at all because they owe you. If your friends want to be with you, it's not out of a sense of duty.
⠀
Nobody should respect you. And some people won't be kind to you. But the moment you learn that no one is obliged to do good to you, and that someone can be unkind to you, you will learn to avoid such people. Because you don't owe them anything either.

Once again: no one owes you anything.

You must become the best, first of all, for yourself. Because if you succeed, other people will want to be with you, they will want to give you things in exchange for what you can give them. And someone will not want to be with you, and the reasons will not be in you at all. If this happens, just look for another relationship. Don't let someone else's problem become yours.

⠀
The moment you understand that the love and respect of others must be earned, you will no longer expect the impossible and you will not be disappointed. Others are not obligated to share their property, feelings, or thoughts with you. And if they do it, it will be only because you earned it. And then you can be proud of the love you deserve and the sincere respect of your friends. But you should never take all this for granted. If you do this, you will lose all these people. They are not “yours by right.” You have to achieve them and “earn” them every day.
⠀
It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders when I realized that no one owed me anything. While I thought I was owed, I spent an awful lot of effort, physical and emotional, to get what I deserved. But in reality, no one owes me good behavior, respect, friendship, politeness or intelligence. And the moment I realized this, I began to get much more satisfaction from all my relationships.
⠀
I focused on people who want to do the things I need them to do. And it has served me well - with friends, business partners, lovers, vendors and strangers. I always remember that I can only get what I need if I enter the world of my interlocutor. I have to understand how he thinks, what he considers important, what he ultimately wants. This is the only way I can get from him something I need. And only by understanding a person can I say whether I really need something from him.
⠀
It is not so easy to summarize in one letter what I have managed to understand over many years. But maybe if you re-read this letter every Christmas, its meaning will become a little clearer to you every year."

In my practice of working with women leaders, the most common requests are related to restoring work-home balance, resilience to stress in the workplace, and improving relationships (both with colleagues and family members). And most often the conversation begins with the words: “You see, I should...” or “And I think that he should, and then I...” or “...They should, but...”.

How often do we hear that we owe something? How often do we ourselves say that someone owes us something? How often do we remain silent, but think so? My practice shows that quite often. We expect something from other people, considering it quite natural that “a real man should” or “a real woman should.” We often see that we become codependent in our relationships with other people or that people become dependent on us, our energy and strength. We hear that you, “as a leader, should” or you, “as a real daughter, mother, wife, should...”.

Most often, such demands only cause irritation, dissatisfaction and even protest. Where do the statements that we owe and are owed come from? And what is good about the statement “no one owes anyone anything”?

Any belief appears in a person based on his condition and life experience. When we talk about a person’s state, we mean a set of properties that are characteristic of this person: state of health, emotional background (mental state), spiritual state, etc. Based on his state, a person acquires this or that experience, is able to perceive and realize what is happening to him. States characterize the person himself as a person (physically, mentally, spiritually), what he brings to the people around him and what he expects from them.

I identify three complex states in which a person can be: dependence, independence and self-sufficiency. I’ll tell you in more detail about the first and, perhaps, the most unhealthy of them.

Addiction- this is a certain obsessive need that pushes a person to certain unfree actions. There are simple and understandable addictions - for example, from chemicals (alcohol, tobacco, food, drugs), from systems of relationships or sensations (sex, various kinds of extreme, “adrenaline” relationships), etc. From birth and throughout childhood , adolescence, youth, we get used to the fact that most of our needs are satisfied by the external environment. States of dependence are absolutely natural for us; it is from the cradle of dependence that we begin our journey. Then we grow up and quite naturally think that it is normal to satisfy our needs at the expense of the external environment. We are accustomed to this from birth. Although for some reason the external environment in most cases no longer agrees with us. But since we are accustomed and our needs have always been met by our environment, our beliefs come into force. It turns out that “we owe”: “a real man should...” or “a real woman should...”, “a wife should...”, “a husband should”... This list can be continued for a long time. And we, with surprise, which turns into bewilderment, and sometimes into bitterness of disappointment, begin to see that not everyone and not always answer us to our “you must.”

Over time, you may feel that life is becoming more and more difficult every year, and there is less and less joy. At these moments, addiction begins to be felt more and more acutely by a person. Emotional dependence - “Do you love me? No, really, do you love me? Tell me, do you really love me?” Intellectual addiction - such people begin to surround themselves with a staff of advisers, harass their acquaintances, constantly asking for advice on any matter. One of the most severe forms of addiction, in my opinion, is codependency, or interdependence - this is a painful state of social, emotional, and sometimes even physical dependence of one person on another or two people on each other. There is no love in these relationships, but there are painful “musts”, “musts”, “how else?”

Dependent people are characterized by frequently changing self-esteem, often towards lowering it, dislike for themselves, sometimes even to the point of hatred, and a frequent feeling of guilt. Such people tend to suppress their anger, which leads to outbursts of uncontrollable aggression. Along with this, dependent people (which is especially characteristic of codependency) tend to focus on others, control them, obsessively offer their help, often ignoring their own needs. Codependent people are characterized by so-called “frozen” feelings - this is a state when almost all emotional experiences are removed from life together, the emotions in such couples are “frozen”. As a result of all of the above, dependent people experience severe problems in communicating with other people and in their intimate lives, isolation, depression, even suicidal thoughts. Also, addicted people naturally increase the risk of psychosomatic diseases.

Therefore, the first step towards the formation of human integrity can be the understanding that “no one owes anyone anything.” A holistic, free, harmonious person does something for another, based on his desire and without expecting anything in return. Accordingly, we, as holistic and harmonious people, perceive the actions of another towards us as a gift, and not as a duty or obligation.

Christmas is coming, and I have a problem again: I don’t know what to give you. I know that you are interested in many things - books, games, dresses.

I want to give you something that will stay with you for a long time - much longer than usual. Something that will remind me of me every Christmas.

And I think I know what I can give you. One simple truth that was not immediately revealed to me. And, if you understand it now, it will improve your life many times over. And you won't have to deal with problems that affect people who have never heard of this truth.

It's simple: Nobody owes you anything.

What does it mean?

How can such a simple statement be important? You may not think so yet, but this statement will literally save your life. No one lives for you, my child. Because you are you, and no one else. Everyone lives for themselves, for the sake of their own happiness. And the sooner you understand this, the sooner you will get rid of the expectation that someone can make you happy.

This means that no one is obliged to love you. And if someone loves you, it's because there is something special about you that makes them happy. Try to understand what this feature is and strengthen it so that you will be loved even more. And if people do something for you, it’s because they want it. This means that for some reason you are dear to them and they want to please you. But not because someone owes you something just like that.

This means that no one should respect you. And some people won't be kind to you. But once you understand that people don't have to be kind to you, you will learn to avoid communicating with those who might hurt you. And you, in turn, don’t owe them anything.

And again: Nobody owes you anything.

You should only become better for yourself. And in this case, others will be drawn to you, will want to support you and share what they need with you. And someone won't want to be with you, and it won't be about you. And if this happens, just look for the relationship that you want. Don't let someone else's problem become yours.

When you understand that the respect and love of others must be earned, you will never expect the impossible and will not be disappointed. Others should not share their feelings or thoughts with you. And if they do, then you deserve it. And you have reason to be proud of the love you receive, and the respect of your friends, and everything you have earned. But don't take it for granted because this way you can easily lose everything. They are not yours by right, all this must be earned.

My experience.

It was as if a stone had been lifted from my shoulders when I realized that no one owed me anything. As long as I thought this wasn't true, I spent too much effort when I didn't get what I wanted.

No one should just respect me, be friends with me, love me, develop me. My relationships ended up benefiting from this - I learned to be with the people I want to be with and do only the things I want to do.

And this understanding gave me friendship, business partners, loved ones, potential clients. It always reminds me that I can only get what I want if I can reach the other person. I have to understand what he feels, what is important to him, what he wants. And only then will I understand whether I want to get involved with this person.

It's not easy to explain in a nutshell what I had to learn over the years. But maybe you will re-read this note every Christmas and its meaning will become clearer.

I hope so, because this is something you should understand as early as possible: no one owes you anything.